my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
