He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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