Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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