I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
