Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he fucked my hip out of place.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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