Sponge bath it is.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
