its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
