If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
