Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
