Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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