if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
