Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
