i was born a porn star she said
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
