:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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