You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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