Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Dick very happy bro
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
