i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
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