Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
