I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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