Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
