He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
