he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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