we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
