You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
