my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
