Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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