Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
