I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
