She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
