one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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