I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I AM VODKA MAN
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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