Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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