theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I have tasted many bathrooms
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
