If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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