I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
