Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
