I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
