Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
