Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
