I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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