I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
