If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
