I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
