K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize