You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Enjoy the penises
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
