i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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