I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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