and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
