I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
