so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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