You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
