I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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