My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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