Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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