when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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