I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
