Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize