I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
