Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
