I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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