I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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