Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
