My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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