So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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