please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize