I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
