i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
