They should really pass out barf bags in church
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
