i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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