I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
