Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
